Washed by the Son, Dried by the Rain

So much has changed in a year. To a point where I don't know how to even handle it. I've endured heartbreak, persecution, and even been made to feel that my very existence was worthless. But...I made it through somehow. In those times when it's terrible and we feel as if our world is literally crashing down on us at a million miles an hour--God has us. We don't see it at the time, or even accept it for that matter.

That's not to say that I came out without some bumps, cuts, and bruises. It's terribly frightening how much the heart can endure, but it's also kind of expected that the scars will show. Some people can move past the hurt that's come into their lives and proudly display their scars--either to help others, or to belittle others. I kind of fit into an "other" category. I'm not confident enough to help others deal with this, and I definitely have no desire to drag down people the way that I was. Revenge isn't my thing. I just want to know where I'm supposed to go from here. I can forgive, but I can't forget. I don't need a textbook answer on how to deal with this hurt that still seems to linger and won't go away. The last thing I want is to be bitter. I just want to erase any and every memory that contributed to the entire situation. But can I? Of course not. If life worked that way, it would be so mundane. What I want, and what I need, is to just kill this thing called "self" and let real Love consume.

How? Even as someone who has spent his entire life at least knowing what God teaches in His word (and later accepting its' truth), the answer still eludes me. People abuse others in the name of love. People disappoint. People hurt. People manipulate. People SUCK. None of us know what love is unless we know Christ. So why is that so hard for me to accept? I really wish I knew. It's often said that we need to be entirely stripped of everything as Job was in order to finally rely on God's providence. Do I dare ask for that? I suppose my quest for true love would finally be fulfilled. I just don't know if this frail, insignificant, flawed, terrified human can cope with what this world will do to me. Once was bad enough, I don't want a repeat. Any ideas/wisdom? And please, spare me the generic answers.