Moving Forward

"On the edge of all I need, still I cling to what I see. And what have I there? Brought my own disaster, who have I to blame? When all I need is waiting--to be fan to flame."

How true this has been for me as of late. I see everything that I need right in front of me, but I so desperately cling to what I see. WHY?! Wish I knew the answer myself. When I cling to what is familiar, we cling to pain. We cling to hurt. We cling to confusion. If love is something we all crave, why do we fear it so much? Today, I finally came to terms with the anxiety disorder that's bothered me and got help for it. Some people might say that because of my last post, I should have turned to God for this.

Believe me, I did.

Had it not been for Him, I wouldn't have ever made that phone call. I told Him that if he didn't want me to see somebody, to not let the phone call go through--it went through. The truth is, we live in a fallen world. God has given somebody the ability to figure out what plagues people like it does me and create something to treat it. People who want to put their faith solely in science should be reminded that the One who gave us this ability to discover things is the one who can also be the ultimate healer. No amount of medicine or therapy can ever substitute for the love and healing of a Father. Knowing that this disorder is meeting its end, I can finally look toward the Son again. My life isn't my own. It only makes sense that when I am weak, the one who paid my price can carry me and be my strength. I don't have to worry. I've let this get the better of me and taken a lot of punches from this world. I've finished my bachelor's degree, but what the frig am I going to do with my life?

I'm going to serve God. That's what I'm going to do.

How? In any way possible. Where? All over the world. When? Now and forever.

I know that there are going to be times when my faith is battered, and I'm going to feel like giving up, but they'll never be more than just feelings. There is absolutely nothing that can separate me from the love of Jesus Christ. This isn't just an emotion. This is for real. This entire ordeal has shown me who God was in my weakness, and His mercy was just a glimmer of how great He really is. Even on the days I railed against God, and told Him that he was treating me as if I didn't exist...I knew he was there. It's like a parent who is trying to restrain a distraught child who is fighting with all their might against them--never letting go. They can be punched, kicked, screamed at, insulted...yet they won't let go. God is like that, but so much more at the same time. I have my life back. The life that Jesus died to give me. It's time I started living for Him again.

I've made it through the shame, guilt, pain, insecurity, fear, and anger of being a prisoner of my own mind, and everybody who is suffering (1 in 4 people will suffer from some type of anxiety or depression related illness) needs to know there is a way forward. There is hope. There's love. There's acceptance. There is no fear. There's a Father who wants to know you and help you. There's a father who will take you by the hand and help you through life in this fallen world. Go to Him!