For Love of You

I don't even really know where to begin this. I always expect a kind of normalization in my relationship with God--a lot like one would hear about normalization of relations between two nations. Does it ever work that way? Never. I can still clearly see the church in Las Colinas and knowing that the Lord was pleased with me. In a matter of weeks that had changed. My perception and discernment became clouded, and I was suffocating under my own weight. I couldn't save me from myself. I let myself in and shoved God's out.

It's often said that it's much easier to embrace the darkness than it is to embrace the light. I hate admitting that it's true. I almost snapped. I felt like I was in the middle of a pit and I had a thousand ropes tied around me with people pulling me in a thousand directions. At the same time, I'd never felt more alone. I'd try and lift the pain up to God, but it became like I forgot how. That certainly didn't help the situation. I forgot about anybody but me when I needed to forget me. I tried looking for God instead of stopping long enough to listen to His call. When I fell flat on my face (again), I looked up to see Light. Love.

One thing I hate about myself is that it takes me getting so low that I can't sink anymore to remember that Jesus loves me and wants to be in my life. Something I've always struggled with is knowing that Jesus loves me more than I can fathom, but not really letting myself feel that because of all the walls I put up. Life hasn't really been the kindest to me over the years--and this isn't meant to be a pity party. Quite the contrary. Thinking about it now, why wouldn't I let the one genuine love in this life in? Stupidity on my part. When I stop to let the love of Christ consume me, it's there that I find purpose and meaning in my life.

"We love because He first loved us."

From accepting this unconditional love that isn't just an abstract thought or Sunday School blurb, we can love Jesus in return. I talk about Him like He's real because he is. I love a Triune God and from that love, I can do all things through my strength. For apart from Him, I am/have/will be/was/feel nothing. Nothing. For love of Christ and what He has done for me, it would be foolish NOT to share this! Evangelism is showing true, real love and compassion to those who need it. Not just the token group of poor people, but those who need it regardless of race, religion, gender, orientation, or otherwise. I have this love and Savior that nothing in this world can compare to, and I want people to know Him.