So, it's been a while. I wish I could say that life was full of fantastic things, comings and goings, and lots going on...but it really hasn't been. To be honest, looking at where I was when I last blogged and comparing it to now, it's like going from the city center to the absolute wilderness. I hate this. I can already tell as I write these words that this blog update will most definitely be different in tone from my previous entries.
The fire and spark that I was feeling back on 30 March seems to have left. Why is that? There are a multitude of reasons that I could list at this point, but really--why has this fire left me? I don't even know. It seems like everything in my life as of late is I don't know. I can't seem to get a definitive answer from anywhere; not even from God.
That's where my biggest frustration is coming from. From this point on (to those two readers who might actually visit this blog), here's my disclaimer: I'm going to start a potentially angry, upset, confused letter to God. If you want to come along and get inside my heart and mind, then keep reading. If not...well, can't say I didn't warn you.
God, I honestly feel like the last time I heard anything from you was months ago. What did I do? I spent the remainder of the semester studying seminary classes, and then I worked at Baptist Park for a fifth summer running. I know that it isn't the works that justifies me, but through everything I did, I tried my hardest to have it be in service to You. Only to You. That's still something I'm struggling with as I write this. Could you at least acknowledge me? I'm surrounded by people almost 24/7 but I have never felt so alone. Well, there was a time when I did feel this alone, but that was entirely different. I know and believe now that I'm never alone...but that's how I feel.
I'm supposed to start seminary in three weeks, God. Why am I hitting a wall every time I go to register, send in paperwork, or just try to get things sorted so I can show up on September 1st? I don't get it. This has felt right for SO long. I fully understand the life of a Christ follower is one that is going to have plenty of upsets, heartbreak, and confusion. The fog seems like it never ends, though. I don't get why. What am I doing wrong? What am I not trusting in? What am I not accepting? What is it about me or my life that is creating this mundane?
What the hell am I doing with my life? People around me are getting married, starting careers, having kids. I don't know when any of that is supposed to begin. Is this even meant to be part of my life? There are only a few things I want, God. You, Your love, Your guidance, and the people that You place in my life who will shower me with the same love that I give to them because you first loved me. That's IT. Honest to goodness truth. I look around and see people living these fantastic lives of faith--what happened to me? I don't want to be jaded. I don't want to feel like I have to be the one to carry this all (again). I just want my father to hold me, and tell me what to do. I could literally break down where I sit. What is so hard about getting a little comfort?
I don't need to test You. I know Your power. Obviously I don't know Your full power, but even the glimpses that I've seen blow me away. Where is that? Where is the love that stopped me from ending it all back in 2004? I didn't even know You then, but you saved me. And for what? Honestly God, this is all getting old. This whole lost in a fog routine. I obviously don't know how to get out of it, or even how to seek You to see me through it. Search my heart, know my desires are at my core only for You (even through all of the sin), and hold me. Please. That would be fantastic.
-Dan
No comments:
Post a Comment