"I'm just a big cloud of dunno."

So here I sit, with one week to go before I head to seminary. Wow. Where the heck did all the time go? I wish I knew. Even now, I feel like the final days here are going to fly by. I wish I was a little more excited. Well, I shouldn't say that I'm not excited. I'm excited to be moving on, away from the small town I've spent my life in. Seriously, I like it here--but it's time for a change. I've been doubting for quite some time (as evidenced by my last two posts) if seminary is the right place for me. I find myself desiring a place to call my own, somewhere that I can afford because I'm working at a job that actually requires a brain...oh dear, am I craving adulthood? That's scary.

I look back at six years ago when I tried going to school in New Hampshire, and realizing (immediately after I moved in) that something wasn't quite right. Am I missing the signals now? I don't know. Honestly, I think I'd be dreading it a lot more if that was the case. In 2006, I was NOT looking forward to college life. Now, that really doesn't bother me. I think I'm just restless, fed up with school, fed up with stagnation, and fed up with the Church. There, I said it. Don't misunderstand me; I'm certainly not fed up with God or Christ. I never could be. I'm just fed up with the people who say they love Him and follow Him, but clearly don't. I'm sick and tired of seeing what the "love" of Jesus Christ does to people. The Savior I know doesn't have conditional love, and neither should those who claim to love and follow Him. If it truly was His love, people wouldn't be hurt, people wouldn't be silenced, people wouldn't be made to feel less than, and people certainly wouldn't be shut out and turned away.

Why do I want to invest my time and energy in something that is literally poisoning itself? I don't know. I really don't know. You say 'forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do'/But truth be told, I think they do. I can't get this line out of my head. What I need is a break from religion. From religious people. From falsehood. I don't know where to begin when it comes to that, though. I'm literally inundated with Christianity everywhere I look. There's my core issue--I'm inundated with a religion and its' belief set. I don't want that. I want sustenance that comes only from Him who sustains all. So yeah, about me going to seminary, God. WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU THINKING?! You're lucky I trust you.

(I'm kidding about that, I hope You know. Well, not about trusting You. Whatever, you get it, you're God.)

I want my God, His love, to travel the world, and that's it. I don't want or need another degree. Help me out here, God. And please, make it quick I pray. I'm leaving Sunday morning.