Where do I go from here?

I've been wondering that for a while. Where do I go from here? The Lord blessed me with amazing fellowship and friends this entire summer, and now that it's all over...what do I do now? Well, for starters, the first thing I do is trust. Even when I feel like I do right now...nervous, apprehensive, somewhat afraid. I look around and my friends are all back to school or moved away. She's not here. That one's kind of okay though...she's doing what God wants her to do, and I can't even begin to argue with that. There are things in my life that I want, but yet again it's not about me. I spent so much of my life trying to pull in my own direction that it got me absolutely nowhere.

Right now I feel like a child who's absolutely terrified of something and wants to run from what's making them scared, but these large, fatherly arms grab me as I try to run away while whispering in my ear "it's okay. you're fine. it's going to be okay." I keep fighting and giving it all I have, but the Dad never lets go. Ever. In my head I keep thinking that if I can get away myself, it'll all be okay; when in reality, what's protecting me and holding me in arms of love is all that I'll ever need. The hardest part for me is just accepting that things are the way that they are, and if I stick my hand into it things will just be messed up. Why would my Father lead me down a path that was bad for me? Sure, there'll be times when I have to step out of my comfort zone (and that's happened a lot over the past year), but it's always ALWAYS been for the best. There are times that I can't thank Him enough for all that he's done in my life-all that He's given unconditionally, all that He'll provide for me. The friends he's given me, the family that I have, the great church family I've come to love and be a part of. I can't wait to see what is in store for me in the future.

Over the summer I got to thinking...if I'd stayed at St. Anselm College, and forced my own way in life, I'd probably be face down on the ground somewhere, depressed out of my mind. Staying home to go to college was really never anything I'd planned, but God made it clear to me this summer that I'm where I need to be. If I hadn't stayed here, I wouldn't have helped start the servant evangelism ministry, the music ministry that Nate and I have, the friendships I've made wouldn't exist; Nate and I would just be two guys who happen to go to the same church...if I went. Isaac and I wouldn't have really ever met each other. The Hagerstrom family would be that family I heard about in passing when my pastor talked about Baptist Park. Katrina would just be that really smart, articulate girl from my World Civ class who always had a good answer for questions.

I also wouldn't have worked at Baptist Park. There's a couple of entries down from this one where I talk about finishing my first week of camp. Man, how far I've come in these past two months. God took me from a place of complacent security, launched me into something of which I was clueless, and from that fear and apprehension, he brought confidence, trust, and a greater ability to love others. Praise be to You, Lord.

By the way, Lord, it's been almost a year, and I'm staying strong. Still. I'm running this race in such a way as to get the prize. I'm going to win this race. You spoke so clearly to my troubled heart that was blackened with death all those months ago, and I haven't been the same ever since.

Praise You, Adonai. Praise You.