let go...

for some reason, today is probably one of the better days that i've had in a while. for close to five months now, i've had random pangs of guilty feeling, and it made me think that i was pretty much worthless, and God wouldn't forgive me. as i write this, i still have that sort of anxiety feeling in my heart, but it's not bothering me half as much. i used to think it was for the way i acted, and the way i'd been, but thanks to a powerful message by pastor jason God spoke to me through him. the enemy is the one who'd been trying to get me down and make me feel that way...when in fact the Bible says the complete opposite. i am saved, i'm free...but i don't feel that way some times and i just realized it was an attack by the enemy. something inside of me changed when i realized that i would be graduating, and my entire life was going to change. satan took advantage of that opportunity and started making me worry about stupid stuff like the way me and my brother fought would have some negative effect on him, when in fact i was just realizing i'd see him a LOT less after this august. i don't hate, i just don't. but satan is the exception.

for some odd reason today while i was at a flower nursery picking out flowers, i just felt alive and free for the first time in a long time. i mean, these anxiety things or whatever aren't going to go away just like *that* but i felt like i'd won today. i can just remember myself saying "you've lost satan." and it almost feels to me that he knows it, and he's still trying to maniuplate me and brainwash me into thinking that everything i've ever said or done makes me a bad person when in fact i'm saved from the chains of sin. i'm not saying i'm perfect in any sense, but i'm saved, and whatever i've said or done doesn't matter because it's all dead to me. satan's lost, and he won't accept it.

*sings* i am free to live....

...and i like it.